"A Man’s Heart Plans His Way, But The Lord Directs His Steps" Proverbs 16, 9
A week ago, I attended the ordination of my former classmates from seminary. I would have been ordained a priest with them, and it was a moment of great joy for me. I am confident that each of them will be good priests and will have the courage to serve each person they encounter. I am very happy for them, and I wish them success in their pastoral ministry. Each one of them comes to the priesthood with his own story. They are aware of their joys and sorrows, which they have surrendered to God when they laid down their lives before the altar. Now, as I usually say, they have a key to open the heart of each person and bring God's comforting presence.
In the midst of so much happiness, many people approached me and asked me how I felt during the ceremony. Some people would say: "You could have been there!" Some others commented, "Wow, you would be a priest already!" I myself was surprised when I saw my friends processing in for Mass at the cathedral. I tried to picture myself with the group and wondered how I would look. However, I found myself at peace, and I realized that I am truly experiencing God's peace. For this reason, I thought it would be good to write about my journey, and the blessings and challenges of such a decision in my life. I will not deny that when I entered the seminary, I looked forward to 2019, the year I would become a priest. However, I have realized that in my immaturity, I had already traced my path, but God ended up directing my steps and continues to do so until now.
The decision to leave the seminary was not an easy one, and it did not come quickly either. It took me about a year to affirm my intentions and put my thoughts in order. I listened patiently to the opinions of several priests, formators and seminary friends - which I took into account. It was very helpful to receive feedback, especially when exploring the pros and cons of moving forward in this path. Still, even if I listened to what people would share with me, listening to God's voice in my heart was more important. Honestly, it was very difficult to accept that God's voice was leading me out into the world, and I was afraid. I had mixed emotions about this, but if I could not trust God who was speaking directly to me, how could I pretend to listen to Him in others? Although I loved seminary, I was afraid to leave what I was comfortable with. I was filled with doubt, and I was wondering: "What am I good at? What would I do for a living? Will I be successful? What do I look for? What if I discover that God is calling me to another way of life? What will happen if I discover that God really calls me to the priesthood?" And in the midst of so much questioning, the time to trust God with all my heart had come. Even when some people challenged me and questioned my discernment, I trusted that God was speaking to me. Although I was grateful that they challenged me, I thought that, if that challenge was truly from God, He would communicate it to me in prayer. I constantly asked the Lord if this was what He wanted, and in the silence of prayer, I heard his calming voice saying yes.
One day, while we were at Mass in the seminary chapel, I looked around, and when I looked at the priests, I realized that priesthood is a gift from Jesus. I understood that the priesthood was not mine but Jesus'; therefore, it would come to me at its appropriate time (if this is what God willed for me). At that moment, I felt overflowing peace with this decision. I discovered that everything is a gift from God, and His gifts always lead to happiness. Saying no to seminary has led me to clarify my intentions and live an authentic relationship with God and other people. Saying no to the vocation to the priesthood for now has opened my heart to God's surprises.
Time to Go Out into the World:
While I was in finals week in the Spring of 2016, I was also having job interviews at different funeral homes. Thankfully, when I finished the semester, I had already been hired to work at a mortuary in Montebello, CA. I had always been interested in serving grieving families and work at a funeral home. Also, I thought that my pastoral experience would be of great help in such a difficult time for families. The week after leaving the seminary, I was already working. Driving to the funeral home was a bit of a sacrifice because of the commute, but life is full of sacrifices. In fact, sacrificing something always makes room for something better in our lives. As the weeks went by, and as I experienced the real challenges of life, I began to appreciate seminary life. I was truly blessed, and I did not lack anything while in seminary formation. Life is not easy outside, it is real. If I trusted in God's providence then, I fully surrender my needs to Him now. I experienced life's struggles even more when it was time to look for a place to live and change jobs. I had to find another job where I would get more hours in order to pay the rent. Life was real! Yet, this is what people go through every day. I wanted to bring hope to others; however, God wanted me learn to have hope myself.
Although it has not been easy, when I look at my life and what I have gone through, I can say that God has blessed me. In these three years, I have learned several things that I might not have come to appreciate if I had continued in the seminary. I am speaking for myself here. I am not telling anyone else's story but mine. I have no regrets because God has been with me, and I have learned to conform my will to His. It took time to assimilate the new reality of my life. I was no longer a seminarian, but that did not take away the fact that I was still a child of God. The seminary had given me a valuable formation, and although this new stage of my life is different, it has also been formative. Getting to know the reality of the lives of the people I saw myself serving as a priest has taken me to get to know myself better. Now I understand and accept that it does not matter if I am a seminarian, priest or lay person, life is fragile. We all have this in common. Life is fragile, and I have gone through this assimilation process. The decision to leave the seminary has enriched my spiritual and emotional life, but there are three aspects that have marked my life like no other. When I close my eyes I repeat these areas of growth: I am fragile! I have fallen in love! God has opened my mind through this experience.
a) Life is Fragile
We are all fragile, and I am no exception! No matter what my social status or vocation is, life has taught me that I am fragile, and that I will never stop learning new things. Many times in the seminary I thought that there would be nothing that could take away my pastoral zeal - neither disease, nor fatigue, much less sadness. But I was wrong! Time after time, this experience has taught me to look to the cross and see that fragile body of Jesus in order to accept my own frailty. I have to embrace it, and there is really no way out. I know that there are many things that will help me be a better person, but nothing will take away the fact that I am weak. This is when I turn to God and find strength to move on. While working at the funeral home, I began to notice that each case came in with its own unique story. However, all stories had one thing in common: frailty! This reality challenged me, yet it also brought abundant blessings.
As I go through life's struggles, I know that I can either sit and just count my problems or really turn to God and count my blessings. I have discovered that my own moments of need have become channels for God's loving and abundant graces. Of course, it is not easy, and I am still learning how to see beyond my problems in order to receive God's providential gifts. Now, I am able to appreciate that life's struggles and suffering are truly the most tangible sign that we are not meant to stay in this world. I am just passing through this present situation, but what God has in store for me after this life will be much better. If everything was perfect in this life, what would I be looking forward to? Laying people to rest at the funeral home would have no meaning. To think of my own death and looking forward to God's loving embrace would be in vain. My own frailty has become a sign of my own belonging to God. I think I appreciated this in seminary, and there were different formative experiences that reminded me of this reality while I was in formation; however, living within the world has immersed me into the deep and real struggles of life. I have come to accept that it is okay to be fragile. When I look to Jesus on the cross, I confirm that it is normal for a human being to be fragile, and I cannot pretend to be God. But just as God lifted up Jesus in the midst of frailty, so God will lift me up.
b) Love.
As Father Arrupe says, "Nothing is more practical than finding God," and falling in love has truly helped me find God. I loved what I did in seminary. It gave me life to be able to share the Good News with others, but this experience has made me stop and enjoy the richness of loving someone to the fullest. I have lived the intensity of love towards a person - something that truly enriches you spiritually and emotionally. I could have fallen in love in seminary, but God wanted to teach me to live it! God can be found through a person as well. It has not been easy to be in a relationship, because loving someone requires lots of work and the willingness to fall in love. I have come to realize that love hurts, but even if it is very painful, it has brought life and meaning to my existence. Falling in love and being in a relationship has been like a mirror through which I have been able to see my virtues, but also my shortcomings. I always thought that love had to be perfect, but I soon discovered that this is not the case. Love only has to be sincere. Given the fact that I lived a celibate life made it challenging to catch the rhythm of a relationship. Love brings a rhythm to life that we do not experience with anything else. Saint Paul says that if we lack love we are nothing, and precisely that I have learned outside the seminary. I could not enter into this rhythm of love if I did not learn to love myself. I had to learn to accept my limitations and truly fall in love with the person that God created me to be before I could appreciate the beauty in such a great person that God put in my path. Only by immersing in this experience of love I could find meaning to this radical experience of saying no to seminary in order to find God in another place.
A relationship requires a lot of work. I had to be open to adapt to the situation of that person I loved. I had difficulty with this because, as I mentioned, I was used to having my own rhythm of life. However, mutual understanding makes a difference when this challenge arises. We both understood our situation, although many times we challenged each other to find better ways to grow ... (honestly, I was slower than her in achieving this). I discovered that a relationship is not supposed to change who you are, but on the contrary - A relationship of deep and sincere love is supposed to help you be the best version of yourself. Here, I would like to reiterate that this can be very difficult if there is no mutual understanding. I learned that this person has to be your best friend, your confidant, and I truly had a lot of difficulty establishing trust. However, love changes everything and, when it is sincere, it makes you love intensely. Ultimately, true love is a sacrifice, just as the one done on the cross. Jesus' sacrifice on the cross gave a new meaning to suffering, and a well-lived relationship can also change your life. It can take you to God! I would not have learned this if God had not taken me this way. This relationship of love has shown me that true love learns to seek and work for the good of the other person. True love learns to let go, even when the pain is strong. However, true love finds peace and satisfaction in knowing that the other person is reaching their full potential in another place, and even with another person. This is difficult, but it brings life. This is painful, but it brings peace. Even if I have not continued in this relationship, I appreciate what God wanted to show me - that true love hurts and is a sacrifice that changes everything.
c) God Has Opened My Mind.
Blessed be God! This God in whom I believe has no limits, but we humans are very limited. My mind was very closed, and I looked at the world only through the eyes of religion. I learned that this is very different from seeing the world with the eyes of faith. Of course, I am part of the Church, and I firmly believe in the revelation that God has given to this community of faith to which I belong. However, this experience has given me faith in humanity. We are not that bad! I believe that seeing with the eyes of faith means that I see what God sees in others - His sons and daughters. When I work at the funeral home, and now as a chaplain at the St. Francis Medical Center, I have learned to see beyond what I think is correct. In the funeral home and in the hospital, I have seen how we let the religious differences divide us. When a rosary would begin at the funeral home, some people would walk out because they do not practice the Catholic faith. When I enter a room at the hospital, I could tell by the patient's body language that I am not welcomed. We are too focused on religion that we forget relationships. Of course, there must be respect, but this does not mean that God has limits. On the contrary, God is God and will continue to be God no matter how many limits we try to put on Him. I myself had to learn this. Many patients have taught me that God goes beyond my thinking. Many patients have taught me that God is really Love, Wisdom and Knowledge, and my own little mind will never comprehend this to the fullest. The saddest thing is that there is a division within the Church itself. There are priests and parishioners divided because of ideologies, and faith is forgotten. I have encountered people who have greater faith than me. Sometimes, they do not belong to my faith community, but they still teach me that God is merciful and powerful. God has opened my mind to look into my own heart before I could see other people. This experience has let me encounter God in ways I would previously reject.
This is a small reflection on the work that God has done in my life. I am truly happy! God has taken me on different paths, but all has been with a purpose. I have trusted God, and He has never let me down. I have been on a search, and God has taught me something in every stage of the journey. I am very happy for those people who have already made a commitment in their life, and I am more than sure that they will continue to grow. I am aware that this time will also come for me. We all go through different stages, and we must accept our own life situation, but always with the right intention to grow and become better. If I could give advice, it would be this: Love your story! Do not let yourself be pressured and impressed by other people's story. God is helping you write yours, and as long as God is in it, rest assured that you are walking towards happiness. Take time to turn back and realize that God has been in everything, and nothing is a loss if you put God in it. I continue in this search, and for sure I am discovering where God wants me. Let yourself have a holy confusion... one that opens your heart to God and invites Him to be part of your search for your vocation. At the end, we will all discover that God is the only true happiness.
God bless you on your own journey. Own it!
In the midst of so much happiness, many people approached me and asked me how I felt during the ceremony. Some people would say: "You could have been there!" Some others commented, "Wow, you would be a priest already!" I myself was surprised when I saw my friends processing in for Mass at the cathedral. I tried to picture myself with the group and wondered how I would look. However, I found myself at peace, and I realized that I am truly experiencing God's peace. For this reason, I thought it would be good to write about my journey, and the blessings and challenges of such a decision in my life. I will not deny that when I entered the seminary, I looked forward to 2019, the year I would become a priest. However, I have realized that in my immaturity, I had already traced my path, but God ended up directing my steps and continues to do so until now.
The decision to leave the seminary was not an easy one, and it did not come quickly either. It took me about a year to affirm my intentions and put my thoughts in order. I listened patiently to the opinions of several priests, formators and seminary friends - which I took into account. It was very helpful to receive feedback, especially when exploring the pros and cons of moving forward in this path. Still, even if I listened to what people would share with me, listening to God's voice in my heart was more important. Honestly, it was very difficult to accept that God's voice was leading me out into the world, and I was afraid. I had mixed emotions about this, but if I could not trust God who was speaking directly to me, how could I pretend to listen to Him in others? Although I loved seminary, I was afraid to leave what I was comfortable with. I was filled with doubt, and I was wondering: "What am I good at? What would I do for a living? Will I be successful? What do I look for? What if I discover that God is calling me to another way of life? What will happen if I discover that God really calls me to the priesthood?" And in the midst of so much questioning, the time to trust God with all my heart had come. Even when some people challenged me and questioned my discernment, I trusted that God was speaking to me. Although I was grateful that they challenged me, I thought that, if that challenge was truly from God, He would communicate it to me in prayer. I constantly asked the Lord if this was what He wanted, and in the silence of prayer, I heard his calming voice saying yes.
One day, while we were at Mass in the seminary chapel, I looked around, and when I looked at the priests, I realized that priesthood is a gift from Jesus. I understood that the priesthood was not mine but Jesus'; therefore, it would come to me at its appropriate time (if this is what God willed for me). At that moment, I felt overflowing peace with this decision. I discovered that everything is a gift from God, and His gifts always lead to happiness. Saying no to seminary has led me to clarify my intentions and live an authentic relationship with God and other people. Saying no to the vocation to the priesthood for now has opened my heart to God's surprises.
Time to Go Out into the World:
While I was in finals week in the Spring of 2016, I was also having job interviews at different funeral homes. Thankfully, when I finished the semester, I had already been hired to work at a mortuary in Montebello, CA. I had always been interested in serving grieving families and work at a funeral home. Also, I thought that my pastoral experience would be of great help in such a difficult time for families. The week after leaving the seminary, I was already working. Driving to the funeral home was a bit of a sacrifice because of the commute, but life is full of sacrifices. In fact, sacrificing something always makes room for something better in our lives. As the weeks went by, and as I experienced the real challenges of life, I began to appreciate seminary life. I was truly blessed, and I did not lack anything while in seminary formation. Life is not easy outside, it is real. If I trusted in God's providence then, I fully surrender my needs to Him now. I experienced life's struggles even more when it was time to look for a place to live and change jobs. I had to find another job where I would get more hours in order to pay the rent. Life was real! Yet, this is what people go through every day. I wanted to bring hope to others; however, God wanted me learn to have hope myself.
Although it has not been easy, when I look at my life and what I have gone through, I can say that God has blessed me. In these three years, I have learned several things that I might not have come to appreciate if I had continued in the seminary. I am speaking for myself here. I am not telling anyone else's story but mine. I have no regrets because God has been with me, and I have learned to conform my will to His. It took time to assimilate the new reality of my life. I was no longer a seminarian, but that did not take away the fact that I was still a child of God. The seminary had given me a valuable formation, and although this new stage of my life is different, it has also been formative. Getting to know the reality of the lives of the people I saw myself serving as a priest has taken me to get to know myself better. Now I understand and accept that it does not matter if I am a seminarian, priest or lay person, life is fragile. We all have this in common. Life is fragile, and I have gone through this assimilation process. The decision to leave the seminary has enriched my spiritual and emotional life, but there are three aspects that have marked my life like no other. When I close my eyes I repeat these areas of growth: I am fragile! I have fallen in love! God has opened my mind through this experience.
a) Life is Fragile
We are all fragile, and I am no exception! No matter what my social status or vocation is, life has taught me that I am fragile, and that I will never stop learning new things. Many times in the seminary I thought that there would be nothing that could take away my pastoral zeal - neither disease, nor fatigue, much less sadness. But I was wrong! Time after time, this experience has taught me to look to the cross and see that fragile body of Jesus in order to accept my own frailty. I have to embrace it, and there is really no way out. I know that there are many things that will help me be a better person, but nothing will take away the fact that I am weak. This is when I turn to God and find strength to move on. While working at the funeral home, I began to notice that each case came in with its own unique story. However, all stories had one thing in common: frailty! This reality challenged me, yet it also brought abundant blessings.
As I go through life's struggles, I know that I can either sit and just count my problems or really turn to God and count my blessings. I have discovered that my own moments of need have become channels for God's loving and abundant graces. Of course, it is not easy, and I am still learning how to see beyond my problems in order to receive God's providential gifts. Now, I am able to appreciate that life's struggles and suffering are truly the most tangible sign that we are not meant to stay in this world. I am just passing through this present situation, but what God has in store for me after this life will be much better. If everything was perfect in this life, what would I be looking forward to? Laying people to rest at the funeral home would have no meaning. To think of my own death and looking forward to God's loving embrace would be in vain. My own frailty has become a sign of my own belonging to God. I think I appreciated this in seminary, and there were different formative experiences that reminded me of this reality while I was in formation; however, living within the world has immersed me into the deep and real struggles of life. I have come to accept that it is okay to be fragile. When I look to Jesus on the cross, I confirm that it is normal for a human being to be fragile, and I cannot pretend to be God. But just as God lifted up Jesus in the midst of frailty, so God will lift me up.
b) Love.
As Father Arrupe says, "Nothing is more practical than finding God," and falling in love has truly helped me find God. I loved what I did in seminary. It gave me life to be able to share the Good News with others, but this experience has made me stop and enjoy the richness of loving someone to the fullest. I have lived the intensity of love towards a person - something that truly enriches you spiritually and emotionally. I could have fallen in love in seminary, but God wanted to teach me to live it! God can be found through a person as well. It has not been easy to be in a relationship, because loving someone requires lots of work and the willingness to fall in love. I have come to realize that love hurts, but even if it is very painful, it has brought life and meaning to my existence. Falling in love and being in a relationship has been like a mirror through which I have been able to see my virtues, but also my shortcomings. I always thought that love had to be perfect, but I soon discovered that this is not the case. Love only has to be sincere. Given the fact that I lived a celibate life made it challenging to catch the rhythm of a relationship. Love brings a rhythm to life that we do not experience with anything else. Saint Paul says that if we lack love we are nothing, and precisely that I have learned outside the seminary. I could not enter into this rhythm of love if I did not learn to love myself. I had to learn to accept my limitations and truly fall in love with the person that God created me to be before I could appreciate the beauty in such a great person that God put in my path. Only by immersing in this experience of love I could find meaning to this radical experience of saying no to seminary in order to find God in another place.
A relationship requires a lot of work. I had to be open to adapt to the situation of that person I loved. I had difficulty with this because, as I mentioned, I was used to having my own rhythm of life. However, mutual understanding makes a difference when this challenge arises. We both understood our situation, although many times we challenged each other to find better ways to grow ... (honestly, I was slower than her in achieving this). I discovered that a relationship is not supposed to change who you are, but on the contrary - A relationship of deep and sincere love is supposed to help you be the best version of yourself. Here, I would like to reiterate that this can be very difficult if there is no mutual understanding. I learned that this person has to be your best friend, your confidant, and I truly had a lot of difficulty establishing trust. However, love changes everything and, when it is sincere, it makes you love intensely. Ultimately, true love is a sacrifice, just as the one done on the cross. Jesus' sacrifice on the cross gave a new meaning to suffering, and a well-lived relationship can also change your life. It can take you to God! I would not have learned this if God had not taken me this way. This relationship of love has shown me that true love learns to seek and work for the good of the other person. True love learns to let go, even when the pain is strong. However, true love finds peace and satisfaction in knowing that the other person is reaching their full potential in another place, and even with another person. This is difficult, but it brings life. This is painful, but it brings peace. Even if I have not continued in this relationship, I appreciate what God wanted to show me - that true love hurts and is a sacrifice that changes everything.
c) God Has Opened My Mind.
Blessed be God! This God in whom I believe has no limits, but we humans are very limited. My mind was very closed, and I looked at the world only through the eyes of religion. I learned that this is very different from seeing the world with the eyes of faith. Of course, I am part of the Church, and I firmly believe in the revelation that God has given to this community of faith to which I belong. However, this experience has given me faith in humanity. We are not that bad! I believe that seeing with the eyes of faith means that I see what God sees in others - His sons and daughters. When I work at the funeral home, and now as a chaplain at the St. Francis Medical Center, I have learned to see beyond what I think is correct. In the funeral home and in the hospital, I have seen how we let the religious differences divide us. When a rosary would begin at the funeral home, some people would walk out because they do not practice the Catholic faith. When I enter a room at the hospital, I could tell by the patient's body language that I am not welcomed. We are too focused on religion that we forget relationships. Of course, there must be respect, but this does not mean that God has limits. On the contrary, God is God and will continue to be God no matter how many limits we try to put on Him. I myself had to learn this. Many patients have taught me that God goes beyond my thinking. Many patients have taught me that God is really Love, Wisdom and Knowledge, and my own little mind will never comprehend this to the fullest. The saddest thing is that there is a division within the Church itself. There are priests and parishioners divided because of ideologies, and faith is forgotten. I have encountered people who have greater faith than me. Sometimes, they do not belong to my faith community, but they still teach me that God is merciful and powerful. God has opened my mind to look into my own heart before I could see other people. This experience has let me encounter God in ways I would previously reject.
This is a small reflection on the work that God has done in my life. I am truly happy! God has taken me on different paths, but all has been with a purpose. I have trusted God, and He has never let me down. I have been on a search, and God has taught me something in every stage of the journey. I am very happy for those people who have already made a commitment in their life, and I am more than sure that they will continue to grow. I am aware that this time will also come for me. We all go through different stages, and we must accept our own life situation, but always with the right intention to grow and become better. If I could give advice, it would be this: Love your story! Do not let yourself be pressured and impressed by other people's story. God is helping you write yours, and as long as God is in it, rest assured that you are walking towards happiness. Take time to turn back and realize that God has been in everything, and nothing is a loss if you put God in it. I continue in this search, and for sure I am discovering where God wants me. Let yourself have a holy confusion... one that opens your heart to God and invites Him to be part of your search for your vocation. At the end, we will all discover that God is the only true happiness.
God bless you on your own journey. Own it!
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